A Happy Valentine’s Day According to TSP

Another year, another V-day, another night of staying in with good-bad movies and takeout. Could I BE more cliche? I’m not even pissed about not having a date, because really, who cares? However, I STILL HAD PLANS, mind you, with my girlfriends, but my body decided to shut down on me earlier this week and I’m currently a coughing, wheezing, sneezing, grumpy mess. I’m basically a bunch of the seven dwarfs rolled into one. So this year, I am missing my dinner with friends (dammit), and instead of giving YOU a list of places where you should go spend your money and have fun, I’m going to be bitter about it and give you a list of things I ENJOY for V-day. HA! It could be a restaurant, it could be a cocktail, a cake, or maybe it’s a stupid ignorant meme with a cat on it. WHO KNOWS. Because guess what bitches? It’s my blog and I’ll defy if I want to.

1. BACON: Not ALL women want romance on V-Day, some just want bacon. If someone got me these for Valentines Day, they would be getting a very big return on investment. Not all heros wear capes.

So sweet…..yet savory.

 2. Vosges Flying Chocolate Pig filled with bacon: You MAY start to see a pattern here…and you will deal with it. Because what’s better than mixing chocolate (a V-Day staple) with bacon (what SHOULD BE a V-Day staple). Vosges also makes other amazing chocolates, FYI, but they have a whole section dedicated to the beautiful marriage of bacon + chocolate.

Get dat bacon

 3. A Badass Whiskey Cocktail: It’s still red from blood oranges, so it’s perfect for V-Day. I like to think of blood oranges as a badass, sexy fruit. This drink also has jalapeno in it, which is also badass. I happen to like spicy drinks, but that’s not for everyone, nor was this post so…whatever. Recipe here.

Recipe and pic courtesy of Domestic Fits

 4. Chocolate Covered Strawberries: Alright, this one is pretty traditional, but don’t give a shit – I love these. I mean, we were just talking about sexy fruit, AMIRITE?! They’re just so damn good, and so easy to make too. Unless you get fancy with it and put tuxes on them, a monkey could do this, I’m sure.

sexytimeeeee

 5. Mad Men, Die Hard, Super Troopers, Bond, The Hangover: This is my ideal V-Day movie playlist. I’m definitely leaving out a few but you get the idea. I’m not into sappy romantic movies, so if I’m going to go the opposite direction, I say go big or go home. Plus, what’s better than curling up with a glass of that whiskey cocktail, a few choco-covered strawberries, and a little Don Draper? NOTHING. AT. ALL. And honestly, if you have a guy with you, I have a feeling he won’t mind either.

Just try to burn that look out of your memory

 6. Pizza: Yes, you heard me. This is GREAT V-Day food, I don’t care what anyone says. Let me explain something to you about women: we want to eat the food that we bitch at YOU for eating. This goes for three main foods: pizza, McDonalds, chinese food. This is also the food we eat when we’re drunk because our inhibitions are lowered and being drunk is always a good excuse to faceplant into a cheesy pie (or anything, really). Not all V-Days have to be about expensive fancy food. That said, this food can run the gamut from straight up Dominos (close to the heart, that one) to Forcella and Rubirosa (Vodka pie!)

Vodka pie on right from Rubirosa. Photo cred: Serious Eats

7. Nutella: This is a hybrid of pizza and Nutella, actually. Have you ever had Nutella Pizza? No? Well then you aren’t living a fulfilled life, I’d hate to break it to you. It’s like biting into a dream…a dream filled with Nutella, powdered sugar, and presumably, crack. This one is from Olio in the West Village…

Ohhhhhh godddddd

8. Lil Bub Shirt: For those of you who don’t know about Lil Bub, then you are living under a rock where Buzzfeed doesn’t exist. This cat is THE CUTEST THING EVER. She is a dwarf cat, so she’s got short legs (kind of like a perma-kitten), no teeth so her tongue is ALWAYS sticking out, and these big bug eyes that make her look oh-so-curious all the damn time! Few things make me squeal with delight, but seeing this adorable kitten can melt the Botox off a Real Housewife.

I cant…BRING ME THIS CAT

9. Watching Stupid Things on YouTube: Fails, bloopers, people falling down, silly animals, etc. Real mature, I know, but if you don’t laugh at that, then I’m pretty much convinced that you are dead inside. As long as no one is dying or getting seriously hurt, that shit is just HILARIOUS. Please check some of these out: This Guy Running into a Wall, This Dog Attacking its Own Leg, The Militant Rooster, This Girl Falling Off a Treadmill, The Office Bloopers, and lastly, Celebrity Jeopardy with “Sean Connery”:

10. Sex: This is last but certainly not least – some traditions don’t change, and this is understandably one of them. Lights on, lights off, in the bathroom, on the bed (if you’re boring), whatever just do it. If you can’t get someone drunk enough to sleep with you, don’t worry, there’s always next year and in the meantime there’s porn. MANY MAZELS!

chuck norris

Happy Valentine’s Day kids!!

-TSP

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