Broken Face Recipe: Doritos Cream Cheese

OK. Enough is enough.

I am so sick of this diet, you must allow me to rant like a lunatic. I have gone from being thankful and creative to being bitter and hungry. ALL. THE. TIME.

I want to chew like a normal person. That’s all.

I’m going to eat so much crunchy shit when this heals that my neighbors wont be able to sleep from the noise. I plan on taking Excedrin around the clock just to soothe my head from all the vibration by way of crunching that will be going on inside of it. Breakfast?? How about a bowl of twigs and marbles topped with fucking Grape Nuts cereal. Have you ever had Grape Nuts?? It’s like chewing lawn mulch. Seriously, I bet if I sprinkled it on some soil and watered it daily a fucking red spruce would grow out of it. It’s disgusting. And yet I will chew it for hours before swallowing it. BECAUSE EVENTUALLY I CAN. I CAN AND I WILL.

I miss pizza.

I miss bagels.

I miss pizza bagels.

Black Seed, I’m coming for you when this is over. Close the place down because I’m basically never leaving. Set up a cot for me, I don’t care. This actually reminds me of the time I made Doritos cream cheese. Not because I couldn’t have Doritos, but because I have been putting Doritos on bagels with cream cheese for YEARS. And naturally, DORITOS CREAM CHEESE IS DELICIOUS TOO. Recipe below:

the before...
the before…
I'm so clever.
the after. I’m so clever.


8 oz of cream cheese

2 cups Spicy Nacho Cheese Doritos (use whatever flavor you want, but I like the cheese ones)


1. Soften cream cheese.

2. Put Doritos in a blender. Pulverize them into crumbs.

Meet your fate.
Meet your fate.

3. Add Doritos crumbs to cream cheese. Mix together.

Cheesus Christ.
Cheesus Christ.

4. Eat.

Easy peasy!
Easy peasy!

This is rocket science in case you can’t tell.

You can also shape the CC into a log or ball, put in the fridge for 20 minutes, and serve just like that with crackers. Great for parties. But…anyone who has the kind of restraint to wait is probably no friend of mine.

Yea I dip Doritos into Doritos cream cheese. I do what I want.
Yea I dip Doritos into Doritos cream cheese. I do what I want.


2 weeks left.



  1. We’re starting to get worried about you.

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