Happy New Year! Let’s Detox

As I sit here using my own stomach as a table for Chinese food, I think it’s time to jump back on the healthy train. The hoopla of the holidays are over, and I’ve only got a month and a half before I have to be in sexy lingerie for absolutely no one on Valentine’s Day…

But I digress.

Let me also preface this by saying that even I’m at my best weight, and feeling my fittest, I still allow myself to eat basically whatever I want, just in moderation. This is where some of you will curse my name and stop reading. But, if you want some tips, and if you want to learn more about me (who doesn’t?!) you should continue on down the page.

I lost nearly 25 lbs about 3 years back and have managed to keep it off…with the exception of a few pounds here and there after the binge eating and drinking that comes with the holiday season…but I know what I’m talking about for the most part. I worked with a personal trainer (whattup Scott Fishman!) and he taught me a lot about nutrition and the right way to exercise. I also just wrote an article for FN Dish (Food Network’s blog just gonna #humblebrag), and it covers chefs from around the country and their favorite places to eat, this one focusing on detoxing. So, I guess you could say I felt inspired to share my own tips on here. A lot of you email or message me and ask how I stay in shape, so here’s how:


Detox Tips

  1. JUICE. I cannot stress this enough. I really had to learn to love this, but if you can learn to love your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can learn to love kale and dandelion root. I love Juice Press and Juice Generation, and I have also discovered Tiny Empire, which has a few smoothies and snacks I like. When I was seriously trying to drop lbs, I replaced lunch with a juice. I wanted to die inside, but I did it and it helped. And because they sometimes don’t taste pleasant, you kind of forget that you’re hungry. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Now that I’m just maintaining, I don’t have to do that, but I still will have one almost every day in the morning or around lunch.
    1. Juice Press faves: Love Me, OMG! My Favorite Juice, Ginger Fireball, Clean Green Protein, Harvey Wallbanger with The Works, Almond Butter Cup.
    2. Juice Generation faves: Hail To Kale, Citrus Super C, Protein Buzz with hemp protein, blueberries, and rice milk, Almond Butter Bliss acai bowl.
    3. Tiny Empire faves: Tiny Spice Pom, Banana Walnut Granola, Smoothie with banana, cashews, coconut water, dates, vanilla and Himalayan salt.
  2. I portion control. This does not apply for when I’m drunk or hungover. I am an unstoppable human garbage disposal in those times. One night after a particularly drunken night a couple months back, I ordered Joe’s pizza via Seamless from the cab (YES FROM THE CAB) and sat on my couch, put THE ENTIRE PIE on my lap, and proceeded to eat 5 slices. I regret nothing.
  3. Seriously though, portion control. I eat usually half of whatever is on my plate. When you see me post something ridiculous on Instagram, unless specified otherwise, you can assume that I’m not eating 100% of it. Some of the things I make and eat are probably upwards of a days calories in one dish. I’m The Skinny Pig, I’m not fucking magic.
  4. Exercise. And before you start rolling your eyes at my obvious “tip”, just stow the ‘tude for a minute and listen. Cardio is your friend, because it burns fat. And I eat a lot of fucking fat. I run 2-3 miles on a treadmill 3-4 times a week. That’s it. I also have knee problems so I can’t do it outside unless it’s on a track. You also need to lift weights for muscle. Like bro do you even lift? And girls who claim they will get bulky…DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU WOULD HAVE TO LIFT TO GET BULKY?! Stop making excuses and hit the 5 pounders for the love of god. THAT SAID, I will also squeeze in quick exercises wherever and however I can. Do you know what I do when I’m getting my laundry out of the dryer? Squats. I squat and pick up an article of clothing, then put it into the dryer on top. Repeat until all clothes are in and try to spread it out. It’s annoying but guess what? I did 30 squats AND put in a load of wash at the same time. Boom. Do you know what I do when I’m making caramelized onions or baking something? Walking lunges around the apartment. Why the hell not? Drop and do some abs too. Every. Little. Bit. Helps.
  5. Know your triggers. For me, this is drinking. Alcohol. I have little self control when it comes to drunk eating. And when I say “little” I mean “basically zero”. I will go from “I’ll have one drink and a couple bites of the Philly Cheesesteak egg rolls” to “SIX VODKA SODAS AND ALL THE NACHOS MAYBE PIZZA LATER TOO”. It’s really bad. Cutting back drinking is step #1 for me, and it’s pretty critical to any weight loss. Most drinks are highly caloric anyway, so why drink your calories when you can eat them? Because drinking eases the pain? So does emotional eating. I’m not helping anymore, am I?
  6. Don’t snack after 8 pm. JUST DON’T DO IT. After dinner, just sit there and sip some green tea. I know that sounds fucking terrible, but guess what? It is!! If getting thin was easy, everyone would do it. Do you know how many nights I went to bed starving and had dreams about rolling around naked in a pile of fucking Cool Ranch Doritos?? Or just, you know, living inside Taco Bell?? A LOT OF NIGHTS, GUYS. A LOT. Green tea is not a substitute for food, but it satisfies the oral fixation bit that comes with snacking, and it’s a liquid so it will fill you up a LITTLE while also boosting your metabolism. Recognizing that true weight loss comes from dedication and sacrifice is a big part of succeeding.
  7. Cook for yourself. It’s not that hard when being healthy because keeping it simple is the best practice. If you want to see some healthy recipes I like, check out my Pinterest board called “Sometimes I Do The Health Thing”. I’m still getting into the swing of Pinterest, but you’ll get the idea. PIN ALL THE THINGS WITH AVOCADO TOAST.

That’s all I got. Good luck to all of you and let’s keep fighting the good fight together. Until someone comes up with a way to make Kale taste like bacon, dieting is going to suck, and bacon will always be delicious.

Cheers 2016, I have a good feeling about you.

One Comment

  1. love this haha

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