Ahh my favorite month! Just kidding, but it’s an important one. The toaster photo will make sense in a minute, just hang in there.
I happen to be going through some shit of my own this month, so I wanted to share a bit about that in the hopes that it helps someone out there to feel less alone or stigmatized.
For those of you who have been following me for a while, you know that I struggle with anxiety and depression, as well as PTSD from a car accident many moons ago. You can read that story here, fyi. I bring this up because thanks to some recent developments in my work and personal life, I find myself on that struggle bus again – some days I feel ok and some days I feel super drained and disconnected.
It’s very hard to show up on social media when this happens too, which is even worse because my job sort of depends on it. Thankfully, the clients that I have don’t use me as the face of their brand, so I can still manage their accounts and create that content with no real issues. But when it comes to my own page…the creativity is severely lacking. Occasionally I get hit with an “aha” moment or an idea, but even then, finding the energy to execute it has been really, really difficult. It’s hard to put yourself out there when you don’t really feel like yourself, ya know?
I have about 5 different passion projects or ideas that I’ve been sitting on for a long while, and I just can’t seem to move any of them forward. I have some days where I take baby steps, and others where I get overwhelmed just thinking about it, so I end up doing nothing (thanks ADHD Analysis Paralysis). It’s really not an easy place to operate from, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll beat yourself up for it every damn day.
Then, on top of that, there are days where I lose my shit over something stupid. If you have anxiety or depression, you know that your irritability levels are high – my fuse is about the length of a thumbtack on a bad day. So I’d like to share this story with all of you, as I think it will make you laugh. And if things like this have happened to you too, I’d love to hear about it. Read on and enjoy!
I broke my toaster about a week ago. Do you know how I broke my toaster? By trying a TikTok breakfast hack. I wish I could find the video but I can’t, evidently I didn’t save it, but I assume you feel a little better about your own life already!
The short version is: fold up eggs and cheese in a flour tortilla and stick it in the toaster, making a little homemade pocket of melty goodness. “Well this can’t be that hard,” I told myself, “let’s see how it goes!” Cut to: egg and avocado all over my kitchen, moments later.
Here’s what happened. I overfilled it, then I folded it wrong AND put it in the toaster wrong. The two essential pieces of the equation, I fucked up, so it got stuck. And I don’t mean like “it needs a knife or a fork to get it unstuck” I mean like “you can try with a variety of kitchen utensils but this shit ain’t going anywhere.”
You know that scene in Happy Gilmore when he’s talking to the ball on the golf course? That was me talking to my toaster. Slightly different, but same.
After yelling at it for about three minutes, once it cooled down enough, I stuck my paw in there and yanked it out. Or at least what small sliver I could actually get out. Then I THREW IT across my kitchen, towards the sink, out of rage. The wrap, not the toaster, but still. Egg, avocado, cheese…all over my kitchen. My toaster was effectively ruined by a clump of eggs & cheese that I could not retrieve. It went there to die and black smoke came out every time I tried to use it.
I stopped and stared at the mess I just made. I laughed out loud and said to myself, “if someone filmed this right now…I’d prob be committed. Or at the very least, go viral.”
It was not a tantrum, it was a FUCKING MELTDOWN. Over an EGG WRAP. I’m not proud of it and I’m definitely not happy that I broke my damn toaster, but some days you just can’t get it together. But on the upside, I got a nice new toaster that I kind of needed anyway.
Listen. I meditate. I work out. I am in therapy. I do allllll the things you’re supposed to do to help regulate and feel happy and some days YA JUST CAN’T. And that’s ok. So if you feel like you’re a good candidate for the Broken Toaster Club too, just know you’re not alone. Here’s to being imperfect!
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month. <3