Getting Through The Holidays When You’re Single (and Older)

The holiday season brings a lot of thoughts and feelings to the surface, and they look different for everyone.

When you’re a kid, it’s fun, full of whimsy, and SO EXCITING that you can’t even SLEEP the night before Christmas. When you become an adult, it can feel like a very special kind of hell, ESPECIALLY if you’re single with no kids at 40. Hello, hi, that’s me!

If this is you as well, I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone if you feel a little worse than you usually do lately. I’m also going to try and make you feel a LITTLE bit better.

I used to hear people say things like “the holidays can be so hard” and I always thought it was specific to people who lost a relative or a loved one. No joke, I always thought they were referring to death. Because in my head, I’d think “who can be sad around CHRISTMAS?!” Then I got older and didn’t marry the love of my life from my hometown who owns a small farm that specializes in birdhouses. JK that person isn’t real I was just going for a Hallmark style plot line. I’m from Queens so if I had to rewrite that for me it would be “the love of my life from my hometown who’s a DJ now.”

But I digress. Back to the death thing.

Death is a huge, tragic loss. I’m not minimizing that and my heart goes out to anyone who is grieving someone they lost, this year or any year. But people don’t talk nearly as much about the loss of something you never even had. Is it considered a loss, in that case? Or is it just a big gaping void that feels like an open wound? And Christmas is the annoying kid who constantly picks at it? I don’t know, but the latter is more along the lines of how I’ve felt in the last few years.

I’ve felt “ok” and I’ve felt “fine” but I’ve never really felt “good” around the holidays in years – probably not since my last relationship, which is going on almost 5 years ago now, which is crazy to say.

I hate to admit all this because I’m usually the poster child for “fuck societal norms,” but I’d be 1000% lying if I said the “lack” feeling wasn’t very, very real around this time of year. And it’s not because I desperately want those things so badly, because I don’t, but it’s because it’s just…EVERYWHERE.

It’s the one time of year where there is NOTHING written, televised, or celebrated about being single. Ever.

I can’t think of ONE holiday song or holiday movie that features a single, childless woman (or man) who STAYS that way and IS HAPPY. They’re always successful but “missing something” and that something is always their “one true love.” Or they have a family but not the love of their life, so they find the love of their life and surprise! It isn’t a cat! It isn’t a great new job or buying a home! It isn’t traveling to a new country! It’s always about “family” and “loved ones” and SOME PEOPLE DON’T HAVE THAT. It’s easily the most isolating time of year if you’re out there doing it alone.

God forbid you spend it without a partner.

God forbid you spend it without children.

God forbid you spend it just trying to get the fuck by.

When you don’t have a family of your own, (meaning a new one that you created with another person, not the one you were born into), it makes you very aware of the fact that your family (the one you were born into) is just getting smaller and smaller as the years go on. Especially if you’re like me and have no nieces or nephews and/or even first cousins.

I am very grateful to have my family, don’t get me wrong, but every year that my parents are still here, I’m at the point where I consider it a blessing. And with the entrance of that thought, a new one follows that says “but what happens when they’re gone? What’s this gonna look like for me?” It’s sad. I didn’t used to think about it too much. When you’re in your 20’s and 30’s, you know it’s inevitable, but it doesn’t feel as looming as it does when you hit 40 and above.

If I had to sum up this piece, I’d put it like this:

The holiday I used to look forward to is now the holiday I have to “get through.” And I really hate that.

So…being that I know I have the ability to change my mentality around this, because I am the QUEEN of mental gymnastics, I told myself that there must be a way to reason and logic my way out of this one. After much pontificating to myself, I realized there are certain truths I have to face first in order to get to the next step.

The reality is that I am single and nowhere near a relationship. The reality is that I am not having kids anytime soon or possibly ever. I was never sure I even wanted them, but when I was in my early 30’s, I could still say things like “well there’s time” and “we’ll see what happens,” to (insert relative here at the holiday party), but there’s not much more time to “see what happens.”

As a woman reading this, I know that’s depressing to hear, but we can’t deny the clock. You can adopt, you can do other things if you age out of it naturally, but I wouldn’t be doing you any favors by lying to you. And if you’re a man reading this, you still got time! Al Pacino is out here making babies at 70. This one is a little specific to women.

So this is a message to the women who are a bit older, who are still single, and who DO want babies but haven’t had them yet: I’m sorry for your loss. Because that really is what it feels like. If I feel it around this time of year, ME, as someone who has never really been “team kids,” I can only fucking imagine how you must feel.

I take a look around the room at the nearest holiday party or I take a quick browse on social media and I see all the people who have what I don’t have and I think, “well there must be something wrong with me,” simply because I don’t have those things. It is obviously not a true statement, but it’s the one that pops up most often, and I know you feel that too. It’s hard to stay positive and it’s easy to jump to the negative.

So…how can you shift your mentality to feel a LITTLE less shitty this time of year? I believe there are two ways, but the main one I’d recommend is to look at it as just another chapter of your life.

If you are somewhere around my age, this is probably a relatively new feeling for you, therefore it’s literally a new phase of your life. And haven’t we all gone through phases? JNCO jeans. Frosted tips. White eyeliner. The point is: THEY DON’T LAST. We either grow out of them (in the case of the JNCO jeans, thankfully that was in the literal sense), or we just evolve into a slightly different version of the same phase (ie normal wide leg jeans).

I know adult life is different than pants, but much like low rise jeans, you can embrace what’s happening while not being thrilled about it. It’s ok to admit that it’s hard. A new phase of life is GOING TO BE HARD. It’s normal. Imagine going through puberty all over again but not actually experiencing it? Feelings and all? It’d be weird, right? Sure, there’d be some advantages to that, but we’re not here to live a lie. In fact, I can’t think of anything worse than having to go through life pretending and not feeling anything.

Speaking of. Here’s a simple but important reminder: there are plenty of “smiling faces” on Instagram this year (and every year) who are miserable in their relationships. Or have awful family dynamics.

Don’t believe everything you see, because the system of social media was designed to make you feel inadequate. That person might have literally everything and still feel like nothing, but social media won’t show that. Accept this truth and perhaps the doom scroll will just become a scroll.

Similarly to my GOD AWFUL breakup a few years ago, accepting it was a major factor in my recovery. Simply accepting the sadness and crying it out was a big relief in a lot of ways. And PS, if you’re going through a breakup now, check out my Ultimate Breakup Survival Guide E-Book! It’s got a little bit of everything you need to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Ok shameless self promotion is over now. Back to acceptance.

Simply knowing that this time of year will feel a little more shitty is the best thing I can do for myself here too, but I like to make sure there’s a balance. Accept the tears, but also accept the invites. Personally, I hang out with my other single friends (who can commiserate), I go to the parties to try and meet people, and I just spend some time alone. I prepare for it and I don’t run from it, because the second you stop running it’ll hit you even harder. Trust me.

I’m happy being single 92% of the time, but I’m not going to pretend that it wouldn’t be nice to meet someone who feels like I’m someone they can’t lose. I don’t even know what that’s like anymore. I used to, but not lately, not in years. And you know what time of year cranks the volume up way high on those thoughts?? Ding ding ding. The time is now.

To the people who have been married for 5-10+ years to their dream person with wonderful children, you are blessed and I hope that you continue to stay that way. Truly, I do. Because it is an actual nightmare out there these days and you have no idea how hard it is to simply catch a second or third date with someone, let alone lock down a lifetime. WILD CONCEPT to me (and many other single folk, I’m sure).

I’m very thankful that most of my married friends with kids on social media say things like “up all night wrapping gifts but every minute was worth it.” Thank you for having the self awareness to know that you’re lucky to have these things.

On the flipside, if nothing I said made you, the single person, feel better yet, perhaps this will: most of my friends have kids who are still kids. Wait til they become teenagers. They’re gonna go through a phase too and it’s called the “I hate my parents” phase. Then we’ll see who needs a few sympathy glances at the holiday party because Daniel doesn’t want to be seen with his Dad in public, or because Jessica got grounded again for underage drinking and threw up on the dog.

I don’t HOPE those things for the parents out there, by the way, I’m not a monster. I’m just making a point. We ALL go through things in our lives that make us feel bad about ourselves and force us to question our worth. As a partner, a parent, or anything in between.

It’s just a phase, it’s just a chapter. Remember that.

So, to anyone who’s going through it this year, keep your head up. I’m right there next to you. I’d like to blink and have it be January 2nd, but it’ll be here before we know it anyway.

Cheers!