Yes, it’s true! I’ve been writing a breakup book/survival guide because, well, I just have a lot of experience in terrible breakups. This one takes the cake though.
That blog post has resonated with so many people, I didn’t even see it coming. When I had the idea about writing this, it was because I wanted to provide details on how I got over it (from the small things to the big things), and how to really focus on yourself. I truly believe it’s the small things that matter most in this situation, especially for someone like me who is prone to anxiety and depression. If it’s not baby steps, I get overwhelmed; everything feels heavy and I feel like an ant staring up at a mountain.
The other reason I wanted to write this? Because I feel like I have a knack for weaving in humor with tragic situations. It’s a gift, what can I say. If you’ve read my piece about getting hit by a car at 17 and almost losing my leg a few weeks before auditions for places like Juilliard, you’ll understand. And if you haven’t, you can do that here. Enjoy!
But I digress. While I work on finishing this breakup survival guide/book of essays, I wanted to share the FIRST chapter in honor of being on the Heal Your Heartbreak podcast with Kendra Allen this week. Thank you Kendra for having me! Listen to the episode here, I thought it was a great interview, and I am easily my own toughest critic. I mentioned the book at the end of the pod, so I felt it was only right to share a little bit of it with you. Hope you like it!
Note: *names changed for privacy
Chapter 1: Sleeping & Waking Up
Ahhh yes, sleeping in the dreaded bed. Once a comfy little nook for you and your partner, now a place that feels empty and cold. Well, first things first, have you tried sleeping in a giant X position?? It’s kind of liberating, if you can actually fall asleep that way (I can’t).
If you can’t, have you tried a body pillow?? Mine is named Samuel. I have no fucking idea why, but I like to think he’s British. I’m not completely insane, mind you, I’m just creative. I tried a weighted blanket, which wasn’t terrible, but I get hot when I sleep and that didn’t exactly help matters. PS – invest in the Chilisleep Sleep System if you also get hot when you sleep – it’s a cooling mattress pad situation and it’s a game changer. I used to wake up in the middle of the night just to change clothes because I would SWEAT THROUGH THEM before I discovered the ChiliPad. My life is literally better because of this invention and I don’t know how I lived without it. But I digress.
Anyway, I found the body pillow to be a lot more comforting in a post-breakup world than the weighted blanket. You can cuddle it and cry on it and it doesn’t ever have to get up to go to the bathroom. Body pillows are also great for people with back and neck issues (raises hand), so before you become concerned that I’ve replaced human interaction with a pillow, just know that I initially got it for other reasons. And don’t knock it til you try it.
All joking aside (for now), waking up was a tough one for me. Steve and I lived together, and I am what you call an “extreme” morning person because I wake up around 6:30/7 am pretty naturally without an alarm, whereas Steve could sleep until 10, easily. Did I mention we call him Steve, by the way? We do. For privacy reasons.
My routine was this…creep out of the bedroom and close the door without making a goddamn sound. Try not to trip over Bobo (my cat who died in 2020, I miss him every day). Prepare coffee as quietly as humanly possible in the kitchen and make breakfast that doesn’t require a stove or any elements that might sizzle/make noise (this meant cereal or overnight oats). Then proceed to eat said breakfast in the living room while listening to a podcast of your choosing with noise canceling headphones on. Wait for BF to walk out of the bedroom so you can begin living your life like a normal person.
So. When he left…GUESS WHAT BITCHES TIME TO MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE AND MAKE SHIT THAT SPATTERS OR MAYBE SETS OFF THE FIRE ALARM. When I finally got sick of opening my eyes and having tears fall out of them instantly every morning, I got out of bed and turned on some music. On my TV. Not obnoxiously loud because, hello, I still have neighbors, but loud enough where I could enjoy it. Then, I started to make myself breakfast. Loudly. Bang a pan for no reason! Throw a spoon into the sink! GO WILD BABE. I’d slam a drawer shut if my damn kitchen drawers weren’t full of “quiet-close” technology. It’s like they knew someone was gonna have an emotional breakdown in this apartment and didn’t want them to take it out on the cabinets. But I digress. Let’s talk about that breakfast.
One egg + one egg white, over medium. We love a runny yolk but we don’t like egg semen. You know what I’m talking about, when the egg white is still basically uncooked on top? Hard pass. On the side: English Muffin, toasted, with butter and a light shmear of chive cream cheese or jam. Also coffee with some variety of creamer. It was winter so you know ya girl was going for the pumpkin spice mocha wafer christmas cookie shit. All about it. Basic breakup bitch calories don’t count.
After I whipped that up, I walked to the living room to eat, stopped, made an about face and marched right into my bedroom and ate it in bed. If my knee was in better shape I would have kicked the fucking door open. But then again it’s my apartment, so why would I do that? Be nice to your home.
I put on Ted Lasso (we’ll get to this) and watched one episode each morning with my breakfast in bed. When that ran out I switched to The Office, one of my favorite comfort shows. I started to enjoy this routine so much, I eventually bought a special little table made specifically for eating in bed. You know why? Because fuck him, that’s why. I couldn’t do this when I was with him.
Listen. Was it my dying wish to eat breakfast in bed when we were together? No, but that’s not the point. The point was to create a new morning routine without him. One that didn’t make me cry so hard I almost pissed myself.
So…your turn! What did your routine used to look like with your ex? You don’t have to write it down, just picture it (we know you’re going to anyway). Now, how can you reframe that to look like something satisfying for JUST you? Or maybe there was something he/she hated that you felt like you couldn’t do? Welp, guess what, NOW YA CAN! You are living for just YOU. Self care is NOT selfish. Especially during a breakup. Heartache is a real ache and I want to help you fix it. Write a new reframe of your routine that you can try tomorrow:
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Stuck and can’t think of anything?? Here’s another example:
Maybe you spoke with them every morning on the phone (if you didn’t live together) or maybe you texted them when you woke up. When one of my best friends was going through a breakup, I texted her every morning to check in because I knew her ex used to do that with her. Obviously it’s not the same dopamine rush, but it’s a placeholder and I know she appreciated it.
Another good trick for the phone? DON’T FUCKING TOUCH IT. Seriously. I don’t touch my phone when I wake up. I know that’s weird, but I don’t check SHIT until I’ve worked out/gone for a walk, made coffee, meditated, and/or pooped. At least once. Because the second poop of the morning I’m likely scrolling through IG, let’s be serious. Nothing feels better than taking a poop while hate-watching the stories of someone you hate-follow.
JK…ish. But seriously, just try it. Don’t rely on the tech to give you your dopamine in the morning. You CAN give it to yourself, you just have to get creative.
Love this and can’t wait to read the entire book! <3